A Gormless Guide to What Not to Do

So my exams are going on.
Yeah.
Bummer.
So I mean I was thinking – yes, because when I am supposed to be learning facts and cramming stuff that I can guarantee I will never ever need in my life, I spend my time doing seemingly more doable stuff like *pause for dramatic effect* – thinking. 
So I was thinking about the things people shouldn’t do so that other people don’t think they’re complete jerks. And after having discussed with a few friends (Pabby, Adi, Pankhu 😀 ), we present before you, a list of What Not To Do :

1. Do not say “Er my gosh… ex-ciuze me?” in a Kim Kardshian-y voice when people bump into you. I mean, I’m sorry I hurt you but I obviously did not hurt you enough to make you stop being a dick about it.
2. Do not put a price tag on every. Damn. Thing. I mean, “I bought this phone for 20k lol.” It gets more useless than that, “I went to see this doctor, his fee was 850 bucks.” Did. I . ASK??
3. Do NOT criticize your own country. Sheesh you pathetic asses. 😐
4.Do NOT be a grammar nazi. Seriously,
   Me : Hey. Happy birtday!
   Person : Thanks. Improve your english
   Me : English will be spelt with a capital ‘e’ you pompous ass. *goes offline*
5. Do not stand in front of queues like McDonalds, whilst there are a dozen people behind you waiting for their own food, and decide what you want to eat. My friend stood behind this chic for literally five minutes before she finally decided she wouldn’t be able to down large sized fries with her chicken burger.
6. If you’re a teacher, do not wish students luck before the paper. I mean, “Thanks… Satan.”
7. Do not tell people you’re gonna flunk the test if you’ve studied TWELVE FREAKING HOURS for it. Don’t mislead us.

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Types of Siblings

India is a huge country, and being Indian –  siblings is one thing I happen to not have a scarcity of. So I have categorized the many different types of siblings into five broad categories. Here goes :
  1. Jailbreak
    Is this just in India, but basically whatever – WHATEVER – the older siblings do, they get away with, just because they’re older. I mean its like God gave them an unlimited supply of ‘Get out of trouble’ coupons. My older brother felt that it was not only his privilege but his duty to change the rules of games we used to play whilst we were playing them to ensure his own victory and if I went all, “Mom – dada(Bangla for ‘older brother’) is cheating!”
    My mother would go all like, “Preetha listen to your brother – he’s older.”
    I mean, WHAT?! Its as if all his crimes are being justified just because he is older than I am!
  2. The Perfect Pansy
    Now your parents say that they don’t have favorites, and that could be true depending on how much you believe in fantasies. But there is that one sibling whose framed photo stands on the mantelpiece of when the met the President. Right next to their ‘Best Student Award’. Which lies right next to the gold they won at State championships. This sibling of yours has the perfect track record – no blotches on it whatsoever. And at family get togethers, while you are the weirdo in the corner with headphones on; this sibling’s all chilling with his/her mausaji/mausiji laughing at all their pathetic jokes.
    So what happens to you now? Constant comparison.
    “Preetha your sister was a marvel at Music. Look at you – friggin’ First division only.”
    “Preetha your brother got full in Math all the time. Why’ve you got one mark less?”
    And then they say they don’t have favorites. Pfft.
  3. The Uncle/ Auntijies
    Now this sibling usually has a huge age gap (the person to whom this concerns knows I’m referring to her. Or him maybe. ) and instead of being like your bro – they act like your Uncle or Auntijy. I swear, these siblings are more protective than your parents will ever be.
    Going on a three day excursion from the school? Sounds “dangerous”. -_-
    There are boys coming to the party? You are not “old enough”. -_-
    Out of the house at 7:30 in the evening? You are becoming “insolent”. -_-
  4. The Brat
    Now this is usually the youngest sibling because they are loved most by EVERYONE, and probably are super super pampered. If the older sibling got a Cadbury’s bar on their sixteenth birthday – this brat needs two boxes of Ferrero Rochers, a new jersey and a Nintendo DS just to be kept from whining. This brat is used to receiving gifts from every other relative every month or so, and fair warning – he/she WILL make a fuss if this gift somehow happens to not show up.
    And I’m proud to say, that in my family that brat is me (Hey brother :D).
  5. The Evil Squealers
    I don’t if you have those really, really tiny cousins who think it is unfathomably hilarious if they somehow disturb the carom board, or push the chess board off the table? Yeah those are the worst. And babies are cute, but God are they evil.
    I was talking to a guy on the phone(we were solving a Physics problem for God’s sake -_-) and one of these tiny nephews of mine hears me and goes to my mom all in his cute voice going, “I think Preetha has a boyfriend.”
    And adults are weird because they don’t believe three year olds when they say they drank their milk but believe them when they say other people have boyfriends. And basically I had to sit through a fifteen minute investigation. 😐
Having said that, siblings are amazing. If you don’t have one you do not know what you are missing out on.You may fight with them all day long, but one day will come when they will be married and have kids and be expected to stand at the adults table while talking to their in-laws, and you’ll be standing there staring at them being all, “Don’t stand there being a bore. Yeah -you. In your grown up clothes now. Don’t stand there discussing politics and come play cards with me.”

 

If you have a sibling I want you to whoop them on the head today. Siblings are more important to you than you think. Cherish them. 

“God”

So I was on the flight from Raipur and I look at this massive thing – this 200 ton piece of metal as it stays afloat in the air on its way to a city that is 1500 km and two hours away. And I look at this massive thing as it flies and I cannot help but marvel at Man’s insolence.
I mean I have got to say this for the entirity of our species – we are all rebels, bigtime. I mean, Nature says “You cannot fly.”
We say, “Yeah right. What’s this big guy for?”*whilst pointing towards an airbus*
Nature says, “You cannot live underwater.”
We say, “Screw you. I’m gonna build me a submarine.”
Naature says, “You DEFINITELY cannot go to space.”
We say, “Shut up – I have a frigging spaceship.”
Every other species on the Earth complies to Nature’s rules. Not us. We bend Nature, not vice versa. You don’t see fish trying to walk on land, do you?
I’m not saying that there is and DEFINITELY is an omnipotent power sitting up there overseeing everything we do wrong and meting out punishment for when we die, but I am saying there is something. Like a capital-S Something. I believe in A God. I do not know what religion it is, or if it is a part of an established religion at all, but I believe in a higher power that balances everything out in the end.

 

And IF thats true – if I’m right, Man’s insolence can’t prove too good for Man. That is all I’m saying